Dear me – a letter from the past 

At 10:30 pm on Friday, I found a letter addressed to me written with my own handwriting. Lack of sleep followed by a spurt moment of paranoia, it took a second to realize what was happening.

My yoga professor in senior year of college asked us to write a letter to our future selves and set a date to when we wanted her to mail to us. She encouraged us to write whatever our thoughts were, and set a vision for ourselves.

So how well did my past self predict the future?

I chuckled seeing words like “do you remember the double psych marathon you had this morning?” And “do you still remember what is lateral lemniscus?” I forgot all of those small details.

I reminisced those days when daily tasks seemed like a burden, and my wounded heart was trying so hard not to shatter. I was going through my first ever break up, and I thought I could never find love ever again.

I smiled when my past self wrote down her vision of the future: grad school, internships, jobs, and a recovered heart. Deep down, my past self knew I’d be back to normal and have a successful career. It was just a matter of when and how.

I cringed when my past self also wrote that I would have achieved X and Y exercise goals and to lose 10 lbs by now. HA! About that………..

Coincidentally, this letter came to me during another episode of self-doubt. All except one of my predictions came true, and I definitely did not lose any weight or achieve any exercise goals. However, maybe it was not a coincidence at all. Jobs, careers, and thoughts of the future have led to feelings of insecurity and worthlessness. Other people seemed to think and believe I would be successful, and I’m grateful for their support, but pressured that I definitely need to succeed or else I would inevitably let them down. I set like 3 or 4 goals for myself, and only 1 came true. People might say “oh that’s fine, you’re on the right track.” I know 1 is better than none, but my perfectionists mindset has deemed this a failure, a 1/3 or 1/4 on a test paper: a 25% grade = FAIL.

Not everything happened so far were bad either! Shortly after writing the letter, I got an AMAZING internship opportunity, and it was one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had. I got a part-time job with welcoming coworkers and superiors, and even a cute puppy in the office that made me smile everyday I went in. I found a new person that appreciate and accept me for who I am, and I am so grateful to have him in my life. I am prepping to go on another adventure in the coming months (I’ll document here, so stay tuned!). So in hindsight, perhaps I did actually accomplish 2 out of the 3 or 4 goals I set. 😲

The last line of my letter echoed the same principle I’ve held for all these years: Don’t think, just do. It’s the domain name of this blog, the reminder in the back of my head, the voice of hope amongst all this chaos, the the teeny tiny bit of self-belief that all will be okay.

I hope I will be okay.

And I hope all who are facing the same or similar setbacks to have faith as well.

Thanks for stopping by!

~ Ludi ~


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s